My Trifecta of Faceplants (or "How I Got Here")

Isaiah 54

Everyone has a story. Mine is far from glamorous and not very exciting, at least from the world's point of view. But before I begin to lay bare my inmost thoughts on the glimpses of God's goodness intertwined through our everyday lives, I figured it best to start from the beginning to let you know how I came to this place. I'm not a theologian, but I do know how God has worked in my life, and it is my great joy to share it.

In God's great mercy, he purposed for me to be born into a family that has historically loved him. So, naturally, I've been around Scripture since I drew my first breath.

As he promises it would, God's Word does not return void - it will do what he sends it out to do (Isaiah 55:11). And if he sees fit to send his Spirit to call you to him, then that Word will stir your heart till you can't even stand it anymore.

Thus, conversion.

For me, it happened when I was nine. I remember sitting in that little sanctuary, so floored with the weight of my sinfulness (even though I had yet to commit any really "big" ones) that I felt like my Keds would be permanently stuck to the ground. But eventually they did move, all the way back to the pale green carpet of my bedroom floor, where I collapsed in tears (faceplant #1). I was overcome. As overcome as a third grader can be, anyway. I knew I desperately needed a Savior. Someone else bigger than me to get me out of the mess that was my hard heart.

Christ was reaching out his hand to me, so in desperate gratitude, I grasped it. He has yet to let go.

In that moment, I believe he sealed me tight with his Spirit. My eternal destiny was settled and secure. He gave me a new, tender heart of flesh...but I still had that rotten sin nature that I'll continue to have till the day I die. And as much as I loved my beautiful Savior, I had a powerful lust for so much more.

It took me a long time to realize that nothing would satisfy that gaping whole in my heart other than more of him. It took me way too long. Long enough to allow more and more of the sin in my heart, the world, and Satan's lies to penetrate and take root in my life, leading me to commit such horrific acts that I sometimes cannot even bear to remember them. Thank the Lord that because of his mercy lavished upon us when we confess and repent, he will not remember them (Hebrews 8:12).

But the scars are still there in my own heart. And funny thing is, although they are painful, I love those scars - because they will forever serve as a reminder of the great, overcoming grace of the sweet Lover of my soul. They are scars because they are healed, and only he can truly do that.

The first healing came around the time that I was starting my senior year of college when, although I had fought hard against it, I eventually found myself in a deep pit of depression, weighed down by the all-consuming regret from my wrong choices. Up to this point, I had spent years seeking after anything and anyone who would quench my thirst for significance, for acceptance, for a sense of worth. That futile quest had left me at the end of my rope with nothing to show for all my searching except the sadness that swallowed me up every minute I was awake.

I didn't know what else to do, who else to talk to except the One who made me, who saw me daily desperately wallowing in the mire of my self-dug pit. So, I grabbed the only Book that I still believed had the true answers to my awful pain, and although I was pretty sure God was deeply hurt (and, as scared as I was to admit it, profoundly angry) over the life I had been living (all the while claiming to be his daughter - I'd even become a Religion major in college), I cried out to him for mercy anyway.

And he heard. He heard! In his great, fathomless compassion, he heard my pitiful cry. I remember for three days in a row, I'd be getting ready for classes in the morning and the deep sorrow I had for my choices would just wash over me so strongly that I'd be literally knocked to the floor in a heap of tears. On that third day of pounding my fists in the ground (faceplant #2), crying out for forgiveness, I reached over and grabbed my Bible, and through a cloud of tears, God led my eyes to rest on Matthew 11: 28-30, where Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Although I had been told that Jesus loves me my entire life and had even made a profession of faith in his redemption offered through the cross, at that moment it was as if I heard that truth for the first time. I was astounded that he truly was offering me forgiveness and rest...blessed rest. That all I had to do was give my huge burden of sin over to him and he would take it from me. I was weary - bone weary - and burdened beyond bearing, and he was offering rest.

I was delivered. And I have literally never been the same. Praise GOD!

That was the beginning of what I know is my true walk with my precious Savior. After that first deliverance - what I see as my own personal Exodus from the slavery of my sin - he allowed me to spend a season in the wilderness, just like he did his beloved Israel. Thankfully mine wasn't 40 years, but after 5 1/2 years in, it was beginning to feel that long! Again, I found myself begging God for deliverance, although it was from a different, less self-made pit this time. For many days I had fasted and prayed for him to give me his guidance, his direction, his mercy, his light.

And as he had done for me years before, he heard my cry again. I remember lying face down on the floor (alas, faceplant #3), pleading with him for his will in my life at that moment, telling him that I wasn't moving until I heard from only him. Then, like I had never experienced before, I "heard" in my heart the words, "Isaiah 54". I knew I hadn't come up with those words because, sadly, I wasn't sure there even was a 54th chapter of Isaiah! I had heard verses from Isaiah 53 quoted many times before, but never anything from the next chapter over. But with shaking hands, I went ahead and flipped my Bible open, half thinking the verses would be about something completely irrelevant to what I was facing, or worse no chapter at all....(oh, you of little faith!)

Instead I found myself amazed and overjoyed to the point of laughter through the tears streaming down my face as I read that chapter that was so clearly meant for my life, so plainly answering the profound questions I had, guiding my steps as only my loving Father can. Only God has the power to use his Word to cut through right to where our hearts are most needy, to speak so perfectly to what we need to hear when we need to hear it. I soaked it up, and I encourage you to do the same. Take your time, read it slowly as you listen for God's Truth in your life:

“Sing, barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,”
says the LORD.
² “Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
³ For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities.
⁴ “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
⁵ For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
⁶ The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God.
⁷ “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
⁸ In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the LORD your Redeemer.
⁹ “To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.
¹⁰ Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
¹¹ “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,^[a]
your foundations with lapis lazuli.
¹² I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones.
¹³ All your children will be taught by the LORD,
and great will be their peace.
¹⁴ In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.
¹⁵ If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
¹⁶ “See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc;
¹⁷ no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,”
declares the LORD."

As I had done after my first deliverance, I arose from that floor a new woman - a woman who knew without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord hears me, he is with me, and he will forever guide my steps. I knew what he wanted for me in that moment in my life and that I could go forward without a hint of doubt. And I did. My question was answered, and all he wanted me to do was to believe and obey. So, in his strength, I did.

Life has never been the same since, and even though there have inevitably been ups and downs in the years succeeding this pinnacle, I have clung to Isaiah 54 as God's great promise for my life. At the time he first revealed it to me, I didn't even dare to hope that all the verses could possibly apply to me. Only a particular section truly resonated in my heart at that place in my life. But as only God is able, he has miraculously poured out his blessings, both physically and spiritually, in ways I could've never dreamed, just as he promises in that chapter.

And I am beginning to believe that perhaps not just a few verses are meant for me, but the whole chapter is one grand promise of a heritage for all the "servants of the Lord."

Thus, the name of this blog.

We all serve something or someone, and we will all find ourselves in at least one or two (or three) faceplants if we live long enough.

Who or what are we bowing down to?

I pray you join me in my efforts to daily live as God's servant. Although I greatly desire to, I don't serve wholeheartedly or even remotely close to perfectly, but I can say without hesitation that the Lord truly is the only One worth serving. In his "upside down economy", service to him is the only way to experience true freedom. We were born for it.