It was a sweet birthday spent
surrounded by my most treasured little people and darling husband,
filled with homemade gifts, drawings, letters and little voices
shouting “happy birthday, Mama!” every half hour or so (love how
kids are even more excited about your birthday than you are). I
thought I had really been taking it all in – this ridiculous
blessedness in my life – trying to thank God, as often as it
occurred to me throughout the day, for how He has lavished His grace
on my life.
But apparently God had an unexpected, more profound
birthday gift for me that He knew I needed, one that was most
definitely not on my 'want list' – but one I am now grateful for
because of the renewal is has birthed in my heart.
Driving home from taking our kids to
AWANA and grabbing a quick birthday dinner at my favorite local
restaurant, my eyes were once again opened to the brevity and
fragility of this life. We were coming up to a hill, slowing down on
the dark two-lane highway to turn left onto the road that leads to
our neighborhood, when a truck coming the other direction swerved
into our lane. I was mid-yawn, listening to my silly 3-year old sing
Christmas carols (even though it's now well into January),
half-dreading the beat-down of our nightly routine of wrangling 4
small kids into bed, when, out of nowhere, the lights of an
extremely close oncoming vehicle appeared in our lane. Before my brain could
even really register what was happening, Chris swerved to the right
to make room for the truck, while thankfully its driver
realized his error and corrected himself back into his lane as well.
And there we were. All okay. Chris smoothly
turned left off the highway, and we cruised safely back home. But in
my mama heart, something snapped awake. Something changed. God used the lights of that truck to shine deep in my sleeping heart, snapping me awake with a renewed appreciation for every single breath that not
only I take, but that fills the lungs of my precious family - because
in an instant, they could've been emptied. The nightly bedtime
routine suddenly became less of a beat-down and more of a blessing - needless to say, I
treasured my moments with my children as I marveled at them snugly
tucked into their beds, because they so easily could not have been.
And what if they weren't? What if our
night had ended in the hospital, or if we'd never even made it off
that highway? What then?
This is where it gets hard.
It's easy to
praise God for His steadfast love and mercy when life is on the
upswing. But what about when He allows it to slide back down the
pendulum? What about the dark times, the valleys of the shadow of
death? I've only been around 37 years now (as of yesterday), but I've
lived enough to walk through some of those shadows myself and have
certainly seen other precious souls thrown headlong into them.
It is a tricky question that my heart
runs away from because I naturally want to shield my eyes from the
darkness of life. But two answers come to mind when I am forced to
think through the “what ifs.”
First, I am reminded in my spirit
that life is a gift. And we're not just talking “a good long life”
- we're talking every single beat that my heart is allowed to pump.
How can I say that I deserve any of it? Did I make myself?! Did I
choose the time period and location in which I would be born? This
list could go on, and with each question I become more and more aware
of just how little I have to do with anything and just how
phenomenally gracious God has been to allow me even one day (let
alone 13, 505 now!). The poetry of G.K. Chesterton rings in my ears,
Here dies another day
During which I have had
eyes, ears, hands
And the great world round
me;
And with tomorrow begins
another.
Why am I allowed two?
Why am I allowed two?
Oh, that I could live every waking moment with the awareness of the
grace that has been lavished on me in the miracle of every moment
I am given. It overwhelms me to think of the tragedy of how many
moments I have wasted in selfishness, ingratitude and countless other
vain outcries of my sinful heart. All I can do is turn to my merciful
Savior and whisper, “forgive me,” knowing that He does. Forgive
my blindness, my pride, my complete ignorance of how abundantly,
ridiculously good You have been to my undeserving self. Good even in
allowing what we would deem as bad – because in the bad, there will
be good that comes. [God promises to work all things for our good and
His glory, for those who love Him (Romans 8:28), and through His
discipline there will be great fruit of righteousness for those who
are trained by it (Hebrews 12: 3-11). ]
The second answer that
washes over my shaken heart is Jesus' beautiful words, acknowledging
that life will most certainly be hard this side of heaven:
“In this world you will
have trouble.
But take heart! I have
overcome the world.”
- John 16: 33
I love how Jesus is so
honest with us – He doesn't sugarcoat things or try to paint a
picture of “the easy life.” For the One who will carry the
heaviest burden ever shouldered - the sin of all humanity - He is
well aware that our days on this earth can be dark. He acknowledges
this, but doesn't leave us with a, “well, that's just how life is,
son...”
No.
He tells us to “take heart!” He lifts our chins up
and redirects our floundering focus onto HIMSELF. He has overcome it
all. Our hope is renewed. Not only does He promise that through His
work on the cross, we are guaranteed eternal life – life that will
make this earthly one seem like a blink, just a blip on the radar
screen...but He promises that while we are still in this frail tent
of a body, He will be with us – even more, He will carry us...if we
let Him (Matthew 11: 28-30).
So I wake up, this second
day of my 37th year, treasuring the gift God has given me
– the priceless reminders that:
Life is a fragile,
fleeting, precious grace of a gift, and I should do my utmost to soak
up every second, shouting out praises of gratitude in my heart for
every moment I am given (yes, even the tough ones!),
and
Even when the dark times
come (which they most certainly will), I can take heart because my
Savior will never leave me nor forsake me and He has 'overcome the
world', working all things together for my good and His glory.
Our
hope can never be shaken when it is based in Him,
Who will most certainly make all
things new
on that Great Day...
that is closer now than it
was yesterday.
