Thursday, January 15, 2015

The Gift I Wouldn't Have Chosen, But Am Glad I Received


 
It was a sweet birthday spent surrounded by my most treasured little people and darling husband, filled with homemade gifts, drawings, letters and little voices shouting “happy birthday, Mama!” every half hour or so (love how kids are even more excited about your birthday than you are). I thought I had really been taking it all in – this ridiculous blessedness in my life – trying to thank God, as often as it occurred to me throughout the day, for how He has lavished His grace on my life.
 
But apparently God had an unexpected, more profound birthday gift for me that He knew I needed, one that was most definitely not on my 'want list' – but one I am now grateful for because of the renewal is has birthed in my heart.

Driving home from taking our kids to AWANA and grabbing a quick birthday dinner at my favorite local restaurant, my eyes were once again opened to the brevity and fragility of this life. We were coming up to a hill, slowing down on the dark two-lane highway to turn left onto the road that leads to our neighborhood, when a truck coming the other direction swerved into our lane. I was mid-yawn, listening to my silly 3-year old sing Christmas carols (even though it's now well into January), half-dreading the beat-down of our nightly routine of wrangling 4 small kids into bed, when, out of nowhere, the lights of an extremely close oncoming vehicle appeared in our lane. Before my brain could even really register what was happening, Chris swerved to the right to make room for the truck, while thankfully its driver realized his error and corrected himself back into his lane as well.

And there we were. All okay. Chris smoothly turned left off the highway, and we cruised safely back home. But in my mama heart, something snapped awake. Something changed. God used the lights of that truck to shine deep in my sleeping heart, snapping me awake with a renewed appreciation for every single breath that not only I take, but that fills the lungs of my precious family - because in an instant, they could've been emptied. The nightly bedtime routine suddenly became less of a beat-down and more of a blessing - needless to say, I treasured my moments with my children as I marveled at them snugly tucked into their beds, because they so easily could not have been.

And what if they weren't? What if our night had ended in the hospital, or if we'd never even made it off that highway? What then?
 
This is where it gets hard.
 
It's easy to praise God for His steadfast love and mercy when life is on the upswing. But what about when He allows it to slide back down the pendulum? What about the dark times, the valleys of the shadow of death? I've only been around 37 years now (as of yesterday), but I've lived enough to walk through some of those shadows myself and have certainly seen other precious souls thrown headlong into them.

It is a tricky question that my heart runs away from because I naturally want to shield my eyes from the darkness of life. But two answers come to mind when I am forced to think through the “what ifs.”
 
First, I am reminded in my spirit that life is a gift. And we're not just talking “a good long life” - we're talking every single beat that my heart is allowed to pump. How can I say that I deserve any of it? Did I make myself?! Did I choose the time period and location in which I would be born? This list could go on, and with each question I become more and more aware of just how little I have to do with anything and just how phenomenally gracious God has been to allow me even one day (let alone 13, 505 now!). The poetry of G.K. Chesterton rings in my ears,

Here dies another day
During which I have had eyes, ears, hands
And the great world round me;
And with tomorrow begins another.
Why am I allowed two?

Why am I allowed two? Oh, that I could live every waking moment with the awareness of the grace that has been lavished on me in the miracle of every moment I am given. It overwhelms me to think of the tragedy of how many moments I have wasted in selfishness, ingratitude and countless other vain outcries of my sinful heart. All I can do is turn to my merciful Savior and whisper, “forgive me,” knowing that He does. Forgive my blindness, my pride, my complete ignorance of how abundantly, ridiculously good You have been to my undeserving self. Good even in allowing what we would deem as bad – because in the bad, there will be good that comes. [God promises to work all things for our good and His glory, for those who love Him (Romans 8:28), and through His discipline there will be great fruit of righteousness for those who are trained by it (Hebrews 12: 3-11). ]

The second answer that washes over my shaken heart is Jesus' beautiful words, acknowledging that life will most certainly be hard this side of heaven:

“In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
- John 16: 33

I love how Jesus is so honest with us – He doesn't sugarcoat things or try to paint a picture of “the easy life.” For the One who will carry the heaviest burden ever shouldered - the sin of all humanity - He is well aware that our days on this earth can be dark. He acknowledges this, but doesn't leave us with a, “well, that's just how life is, son...”
 
No.
 
He tells us to “take heart!” He lifts our chins up and redirects our floundering focus onto HIMSELF. He has overcome it all. Our hope is renewed. Not only does He promise that through His work on the cross, we are guaranteed eternal life – life that will make this earthly one seem like a blink, just a blip on the radar screen...but He promises that while we are still in this frail tent of a body, He will be with us – even more, He will carry us...if we let Him (Matthew 11: 28-30).

So I wake up, this second day of my 37th year, treasuring the gift God has given me – the priceless reminders that:

Life is a fragile, fleeting, precious grace of a gift, and I should do my utmost to soak up every second, shouting out praises of gratitude in my heart for every moment I am given (yes, even the tough ones!),

and

Even when the dark times come (which they most certainly will), I can take heart because my Savior will never leave me nor forsake me and He has 'overcome the world', working all things together for my good and His glory.
 
Our hope can never be shaken when it is based in Him,
Who will most certainly make all things new
on that Great Day...
that is closer now than it was yesterday.

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